I'm NOT your Super Woman!

Ok y'all--so Tuesday was NOT, your ordinary Tuesday for me! Talk about a ball of emotions, and I mean, a ball of emotions! In the past, when this would occur, I'd try to dismiss what many would call "negative" emotions. Ha, chyyyyyle, not this time! This time, something within stirred up, and I found myself embracing every emotion and feeling I was facing, and boy, was it and is it MANY!!! Now to bring you up to speed, those of you who are just connecting with me; related to my current situation, I really haven't blogged a lot about it --- but talk about my life turning upside down.

The Past 2 Years:

In January of 2020, my 15 year old son got a 16 year old young lady pregnant, unbeknownst to me, hid the pregnancy from me, and in October of that same year, I became a "grandmother" aka "Gia" at the tender age of 37 years old, exactly 3 days after my birthday. Whoawhew...talk about a "forever" birthday present! But what burned me up, is the fact, y'all know how we are, especially use momma's that have a relationship with GOD,....hunni, we know! So I was asking him, just at random times, "Hey, do you have someone out her pregnant?" And like always, he denied, talking about "Nah, ma, I don't have no baby!" And if you have a child or children that were born in the 2000's, then you DEFINITELY understand allllllll the attitude, and the nonchalant responses I was getting! Ok? Hmmmm....Ooooohweeee, if you don't have a child that was born in the 2000's, just keep those of us who do, lifted in prayer; cause sheeeeeesh, they will try your patience like none OTHER, you hear me??? Let me get back on track....so, back to my synopsis.

Not only did I become a grandmother, but one to two months after this surprise, both my maternal grandmother and father passed within 2 weeks of each other. Yessssss,....I am not making this up! Then four months later, my paternal grandfather passed; talk about multiple blows!?!?!?!? Thereafter, I really started to notice my son's behavior began to shift tremendously. He started becoming aggressive, disrespectful, sneaky, on top of that, he started missing curfew and sneaking out the house. During this time, our lives began to do a one hundred and eighty degree turn. Now, as a mother who has been parenting by myself since my children came out the womb, I've worn a "superwoman" cape, day in and day out. But Tuesday, Oh Tuesday, a shift come, and something different took place!

As I began to reflect, one thing I am aware of, is that we have approached all across the country, graduation season. This is a time where many children, youth, young adults, and adults advance from one area of life to another. As I’m congratulating, excited and happy for so many of your accomplishments, I can’t help but also have this sadness, disappointment, and frustration concerning my own son. For sometime, I thought I had to dismiss my sadness, act as if nothing was wrong, so that I would exhibit positive energy. But what I found to be true, is that I can embrace ALL of these emotions, ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! As this is called, living in my truth! And I don’t have to try and over spiritualize how I feel. As you’re able to embrace & acknowledge these feelings, and not dismiss what many deem as negative, you’re able to LOVE YOU!!!!

So yes, right now I’m happy, excited, but also sad, disappointed and frustrated because of the choices my son made, and as his mother I want the BEST for him!! The fact that he’s not walking the stage with his peers, or having me run across town getting graduation decor, us entertaining family & friends, so we can celebrate his HUGE accomplishment, is one of the reasons, that I have these feelings. 

I’m sure someone maybe saying “Giiiirl be happy that he’s alive!” And I am, but it doesn’t negate these feelings and emotions which I have concerning my NOW! Even with having this excitement for everyone else, I have to celebrate my baby girl, as she finished her Freshman year with 1 C, and the rest A’s and B’s…..and she did that!!!! SHE persevered, because she too, was faced with a lot of challenges!!! 

Reflecting:

As a child, when my feelings were hurt, I would cry because my feelings were hurt, or because I honestly didn't know how to express my feelings. And you know growing up in many black homes parents would say this enfamous phrase "You better hush it up or I'ma give you something to cry about!" Now, as I look back on my childhood, there are things that I can laugh about, but it's in the pause of life, that I've realized, how damaging those words, and statement were.

Here I am, now as an adults, I've began to wonder, why? Why am I unable to express my emotions? Why does it seem like, my tear ducts are dry, but the emotions I feel inside, aren't quite matching up with my exterior? The reason being, unbeknownst to me, I began to create this wall, this hard exterior shell, a space or fortress of protection that would keep me from getting hurt. But today, of all days--- I finally was able to admit that I had feelings of excitement, but too, I had feelings of disappointment, frustration, and sadness, simultaneously. Instead of feeling the need to over spiritualize a humanistic emotion,(as many times I have done this) I am embracing my feelings; whether that's me being happy, excited, overwhelmed, frustrated, intrigued, etc., I am giving myself the freedom of being! At times, we find ourselves caught up in "doing" that we forfeit or dismiss our own emotions to appease others. Truth be told, the emotions that we feel, many may not understand, or even comprehend. Why? Because in life, we have placed labels on people, and have boxed them in, not affording them or extending grace, mercy, love and compassion; and due to these labels, we've held individuals hostage of "being". I was the one, who people had placed label on, and to appease them, I became all things to all people! I promise doing this, I ran myself ragged, always giving people what they wanted, but I left depleted, worst than how I came in. But now, I've come to an awareness, and have made the conscious decision to take the cap off, because, I'm NOT, your superwoman!!

Just Be:

As a black women, a mother, leader--I promise a lot of times, I get so tired of being strong! It's like there's never a moment where we can just "BE"! Many times it feels like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders in a sense. But then, I have to stop and ask myself--"But who told you that you had to?" I can only speak from my perspective, and as a black women, and a single woman, on top of that, it seems as if there's an innate trigger where we just tap into  superwoman! Truth be told, I'm at the point in my journey, where the "super", I just don't want to succumb to, I just to be a "woman"! 

Day by day, I 'm embracing the true beauty of being this quirky, deep thinking, talented, loving, caring, emotional, sensitive BEING, that I am!!!! And it's such a beautiful place--- that place of being! For so long, I've suppressed ME! I've walked on eggshells majority of my life, but there's something beautiful occurring; the "superwoman" has removed her cap, and is embracing the WOman she was fashioned to be! Me, this messed up and jacked caterpillar is no longer what was, but I am metaphoring into a beautiful butterfly!

When you're able to BE, there's an awakening that takes place within, that ultimately exudes on the outside! Today I'm grateful I was able to embrace those emotions, in order to see! Instead of dismissing my innermost being, I realize every emotion, feeling, thought has meaning, and serves a purpose. I can't maximize the positive in life, without being grateful for the negative. We are all vehicles headed somewhere along life's journey! With any vehicle, in order for it to operate effectively, it needs a battery. And what makes it even more amazing, is the battery has a negative and a positive outlet, to assist with its impact! The same is true for us as humans! When we are able to connect with every aspect of our being, when we are able to embrace the journey, and BE!  As I am able to identify the "negative", which honestly, isn't negative, just an unfavorable situation, which is my son is unable to graduate and walk with his class, of 2022. On the positive, because of this situation, I have been able to reconnect with myself, going through a process of "undoing" in order for me to "Be".

For almost 6 months, I've been quoting Romans 8:28 that states "'And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Sometimes, even in what seems like the worse time of our lives, GOD has a way of undoing things, in order for us to embrace who he predestined us to be. Never would I have ever imagined being in this space, because had it been up to me, my son would be graduating with his class, preparing for college, and literally making plans for a prosperous future. But more and more, I realize, that GOD'S thoughts are not like our thoughts, neither are his ways like that of ours. But, I'm grateful, because there is something great I believe GOD is doing in my family, and he took a negative situation to destroy the labels and box, that I found myself in, which was robbing me of the life GOD intended and purposed for me to live. 

In this walk, as you grow and mature, you will come to realize, People really appreciate you, being your true authentic self, and not who you pretend to be; and you will too! Release your need to control, just BE!

Wind UP:

Now reader--many may never understand the path GOD has you on, and that's quite ok, because it was never a conversation that GOD needed to include them in to validate WHO, and WHOSE you are! I'm not sure of the box or the labels placed on you--- but I'm here to encourage you, break free, remove your "Superwoman" or "superman" cape and BE who GOD has fashioned you to be! Go through your process, acknowledge the emotions, be released from their options, past hurts, failures, etc., and let GOD be the SUPER being in your life! At the end of it all, he's GOING to get ALL the glory!  

Call to Action:

I hope this blog has blessed you. If so, share the link on your social media pages or with a friend. Also, I want to hear from you! If you need prayer, or just want to let me know how you've been blessed, leave a message by visiting- https://www.itsmeemarie.co/contact/

As always, I'm here to "Encourage, Inspire, Uplift, and Empower!"