Me vs Me

Heeeeey guys! It's been a month or so since I've blogged, and honestly I had this thought, like no one wants to hear about what's going on in my life. Or if they do, it's for the sole purpose just to gossip. That and other thoughts caused me to hid and not open up about the different trials I've been facing. But that's none of my business, I have to keep being who and whose I am. 

Anyways, have you ever gotten to a place, where you're tired of having so many losses, that you just stop sharing anything? Real talk that has been me lately. Nonetheless, over the past few days, I have found myself in an internal fight. A fight with where I am, and where I am headed. As I'm in this battle, I thought back to a video, or post that I read concerning the ministry GOD has called you to; and it implies that he first has to take you through it, in order for you to be effective. In that moment, I didn't think of anyone else, I took the word for myself. 

To be honest, these last few days have been depressing— but too, I know it’s intended to for me to be still, and recognize the tool or vehicle GOD is using to take me to the next level. If it’s signaling a need for assistance, I can't overlook it. In the natural the same is true concerning a vehicle. In order for a diagnosis to take place, I have to take my vehicle to either a certified mechanic or the dealership, for the issue to be fixed. Along life's journey, if we're not careful, we can become so busy or consumed with helping others, that we negate the signs that implicate there’s a problem within ourselves that need to be corrected, taken to the LORD, and possibly a therapist. 

For me, that’s what I learned these last few days. My SUV gave me a sign physically, as well as the "check engine" light popping up, stating I needed to check it. Even though I parked my SUV, the next day the same issue arose. That in itself let me know, it's not enough to let my vehicle sit there. In order for my SUV to be fixed, I couldn't just say, "Ok- GOD work it out for me!" No, I had to put in some work, do my research and find a mechanic in the area to service my SUV.  I also took that in for my personal life, as well. Even though I’m in a familiar space (at my brother's house) yet in an unfamiliar place (I don’t know anyone nor the area per se), I still have to take the necessary steps to heal & correct what’s out of line within me.

A lot of times, if we're not careful, we'll try to over spiritualize the issue, and not truly deal with it head on. And to deal with the issues, it takes you being still long enough to recognize and acknowledge the triggers or signs. As I mentioned, I'm in an unfamiliar place geographically, but yet and still, I'm having to deal with an issue that I probably would have faced in my own state. The difference is, I'm by myself, so I have to rely on my intuition, related to who I allow to touch my vehicle. The same is true with me as an individual, and with my spiritual being. Regardless of where I go, I can't hide, I have to deal with me, and go through a time of "maintenance".

Truth be told, It doesn't matter where you go, or try to run away from, doing the work within is ALWAYS something we have to be intentional about.

Earlier, as I was at my brothers house, I received a text from a friend of mine that told me they had dreamt of me, and that they loved me. Me, kind of shocked because it was a guy that I used to talk to years ago. So I asked, "Did I die?" He then tells me no, and that I'm close to my breakthrough and for me to be aggressive as I hold on to the promises, and to stay the course." Reading that text really encouraged me, because where I am, is very uncomfortable, and I have been very discouraged. Even to the point where I'm asking "Ok, now GOD, when?? When will I obtain the promises, that you have promised me?" These last two years have been loss after loss....yet and still, I get up, and keep moving forward, and try again; but that joy, and excitement that I used to have, isn't there. He then goes on to tell me, that on the other side of "this", that I am fine! 

Not sure why I really shared all of that, but that’s where I am. At this present moment, I am in a place I am unfamiliar with. Instead of dismissing feelings of any kind, I still have to deal with me as an individual, and not overlook any signals within that state "maintenance" is needed. And too, I yet and still have to hold on to the promises GOD has given me, and be aggressive as I hold on to them.

This season is very personal, and I can't continue solely focusing on helping others, yet neglecting myself. So excuse me as I focus on ME!!! I promise if I offend anyone along this process-- that's truly not my intent, my desire is to be a better me, and that doesn't involve anyone else's opinions concerning my journey. But there will be those whom I will offend in my pursuit. Why? Because they have profited off my brokenness, and truth be told, yours too! Instead of exposing them, I know GOD is a preparing a table in the presence of mine enemies. I don't have to do anything, GOD has already created them a seat. Now all they can do, watch me thrive!!! So, excuse me while I work on becoming a better me! I promise, it's nothing personal--- it's definitely Me vs Me! As I stated, this is VERY personal, so excuse me, while I continue to evolve and become a BETTER version of ME!